Five Ways to Better Engage with Your Teen

Has your teenager turned into a stranger? Here's five tips to help open those lines of communication again.

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In 2019 I wrote a resource guide for Teachers called “Personalities in the Classroom”. When I was a Teacher (I used to teach Secondary English) I noticed so many of my Year 12 students suffering from anxiety and depression. They were perplexed and worried about the future, not sure who to turn to for sound, and unbiased advice. Noticing this, I decided to complete a Graduate Certificate of Career Development and explore the world of personality temperaments and types.

This was 15 years ago. Although I have completed multiple qualifications in personality typing, Personality Dimensions® has won top position in its simplicity, ease of delivery, versatility and engaging techniques. It has been effective and beneficial in, not only a corporate setting, but also for individuals, entire families, parents, and teens.

“Personalities in the Classroom” has sold out BUT there is another in the making, this time with parents in mind. For now, I thought I would give you a brief insight into the top five ways to better engage with your teen based on their personality type.

1. Don't try to change them.

Don’t try to change them, it will frustrate you, annoy them, and inevitably turn pear-shaped. There are predominately four personality types therefore there will be an opposite type for each. If you think of the opposite personalities as being two sides of the same coin, then you will understand that we will naturally be drawn to those who compliment us, our opposite. If you can understand this and be grateful for these differences, then you are more of an understanding and compromising person than most and life is a lot easier. By knowing your child’s personality, you will see the differences in them as plusses and you won’t spend your life wanting them to change. If you try and reshape anyone, you will only end up frustrated.

2. Appreciate their personality type.

Effective groups of people, families included, don’t just tolerate each other; they genuinely respect the different gifts that everyone brings to the family dynamics. So we need to accept the fact that we will not always appreciate the personalities of others in our family, and they will not always find ours to their liking. In addition, we need to accept that we can’t change others, but we can make changes in ourselves and how we respond. No matter what our personality is, it impacts how we approach life.

There is no superior personality. People may get the impression that one of the types is more superior to the others, but that attitude is detrimental to how we move through life. Just like a heart and its four chambers, all four personalities are needed to make human beings’ function.

Our personalities are complimentary. Opposites are meant to complement each other. I can tell you this though, when an individual is recognised and feels appreciated, safe, valued and respected for who they are, they will produce their best self. You can count on that!

3. Help facilitate understanding and get them to do what you’ve asked (yep – you read right)

By understanding the personality type of your child, you will be able to understand the preferences of your child and the language they listen to. Insights into individual personality styles helps facilitate targeted learning. The methods in which individuals perceive concepts, lead their lives and learn, are related to their personality type so parents can use this tool to better understand their young people’s strengths, stresses and motivators.

Personality Dimensions® is about preferences not labels.

It is about similarities and differences and learning about both. It is about improving interpersonal communication and enhancing self-esteem. It’s about reassuring our young people that there is ‘nothing wrong with them’. Utilising language that shows them you understand and appreciate their personality type and all that goes with it, will assist in getting them to react in a positive way to your requests and suggestions, instead of wanting to rip your head off!

4. Smile! Don't frown.

My colleague, Abbey Piggott, from Southwest Mindfulness, has three children. Her youngest always perplexed her. So different from the rest of the family members -always taking risks, and larger than life itself. After Abbey completed her own personality profiling session with me, she had this light bulb moment go off that has changed her life. Her daughter is the exact opposite to her personality. Bouncing off the walls, dancing at every opportunity, putting on a show for complete strangers, her daughter is always full of beans and craziness. She ‘used to’ cause concerns for Abbey. Not anymore. Since undergoing Personality Dimensions®, Abbey has embraced her daughter’s personality type and laughs at her daughter’s craziness, bubbliness, and the joy she brings to the world, appreciating that her daughter is simply being herself.

5. Remember that it's perfectly common to feel anxious about your child's choices.

When I worked in the Goldfields, one school asked me to set up a stand at their Parent-Teacher interview night. I was on hand for any parents to ask questions about their child's results and subject selection for the following year. I will never forget a Mum, Dad and son sitting down in front of me. The Mum was clearly anxious about what her son ‘should’ do. The boy sat opposite me, his hands were covered in grease and callused. His Mum worked in an office as a receptionist and his Dad worked on the mines. They wanted their son to go to University to study Accounting. Wrong! Take a look at the boy. What did I tell you about him? Couldn’t they see it? No. Ignoring the parents I asked him a few questions:

Me: So what have you been up to today? If I’m correct, you’ve only had a couple of hours between school and coming here so what have you been doing during this time?

Him: Oh, I helped my Grandad pull out the engine of his Chrysler Valiant (as he played with his oily fingers)

Me: Wow. How long did that take?

Him: Dunno. Lost track of time

Me: Do you like doing things like that?

Him: Yep (sly look at parents)

Me: What bits do you like doing the most?

Him: Well (another sly look at parents, looking for affirmation from them).

Then he listed a whole heap of engine language that went way over my head. He lost his insecurities, he forgot where he was, he became animated, and he was unstoppable.

Case closed. Well, nearly anyway. Want to guess what his Mum’s response was?

Disregard.

Mum: Oh it’s just something he does with his Grandad. He loves his Grandad.

Me: Well he may love his Grandad, I said, but he also loves mechanics.

Mum: We want something more for him than just being a mechanic. There’s no money in mechanics

Me: I think you will find that there is and I also think you’ll find that there’s more to life than just money right?

No response

Me to Dad: what do you do?

Dad: Boiler maker

Me to Dad: that’s a trade right?

Dad: Yes

Me to Dad: what kind of income are you on?

Dad: $210K

Me to Dad: Wow, that’s pretty good don’t you think? Do you know any mechanics?

Dad: Yes

Me to Dad: and what kind of salary are they on?

Dad to Me and Mum: Bout the same, a bit more a bit less maybe, depending on their experience.

Me to both: I think you have your answer

Want to guess what his Mum’s response was?

She hugged me then started blabbing on about how she wasn’t sure that being a mechanic would make him money or make him happy. She just saw it as a hobby for him to do with his Grandad and kept him out of her hair. She knew he didn’t like books and studying but he was good with maths. On and on she went, justifying her reasoning. Dad and son just sat there.

When the session was over, want to guess what son did?

He shook my hand with his oily hand, flicked his long fringe out of his face and smiled.

Case closed

Sometimes all parents need is reassurance that what they innately know is right for their child IS right. As I touched on above, all that this particular family wanted was the best for their son. But sometimes parents simply can’t see what is right in front of them.

To find out more about how Personality Dimensions® works for young people and how schools and parents can support them to embrace and not deny their personality for all it is, warts and all, get in touch.

I run workshops and one on one consulting and coaching for families, schools, businesses and individuals looking to better connect with the people around them.